Choices
by Dean Girls and Butterflies
Summary: Castiel reflects on the ultimate question- 'what is love'- And reflects on the love he has lost. (Contains spoliers to season 8. Slightly uncanon, but not enough so that it drastically affects the storyline.)


**OK, I know someone is probably going to point this out, but yes, this chapter is slightly uncanon, I realized after writing it that Cas did know about Meg's death before this, but I liked the story the way it was, so I didn't make it canon.**

Castiel felt as if his heart would break, which was strange for him, for until recently it was not his heart. A being of his kind should not feel this way about someone else, let alone one of her kind. But she made him feel like no one had ever made him feel before.

"Are you alright, Cas?" Dean had been staring at him intently since he broke the news to Castiel several minutes before. Dean knew what it felt like to lose someone, everyone he had ever loved he has lost.

"What...? Oh, at the moment, yes, I found that my overall condition is satisfactory." Castiel, who had been deep in thought and was startled let out a breathe he did not realize he been holding in, replied in his normal, deep, husky voice. He chose his words carefully, for he did not want Dean to know just how much this affected him.

Dean decided to accept this answer, knowing Cas, he knew that he any attempt at furthering the conversation would end with both of them being even more confused then they would have been had they started.

Castiel was already deep in thought once again. He was not staring off into space whilst sitting on a couch in what Dean now referred to as his "bat cave". He contemplated these knew feelings he had, he had never understand the extent of human emotion until recently, and he could not imagine living a day with them, let alone a lifetime. When he had boarded this vessel, if you could call it that anymore, he did not know exactly what it would entail, let alone that it would lead to him falling in... dare he say, love? Is this what love felt like? Did he love her?

Sam had once told him that you knew you loved someone when you knew you could never live without them. He could not bear the thought of living without her, yet there he was, living and breathing, while she was not.

Sam had also told him that if you truly loved someone, you would be happy just because the were around, and sad when they were not. Although they had fought many a time, and although they had usually been rather coarse when speaking to one another, he could never help but smile when she made one of her witting remarks that you always knew were coming. He also found that when he had lost her the first time, and every time after that where they were not near one another, he would think about her and he would wish that she was right beside him.

Life was such a bore without her. He loved the way she made him feel bare when she was around him, she made him feel more alive- more human, than he had ever felt before, even now.

But he did not come here for love, love was not his mission. He could not love, and even if he could, he could not love her. His kind and her kind did not mix, at least not in a good way. He could never choose to love someone like her. Besides, even if he could love her, she was gone, it was to late, not even he could bring her back now. But it still made him wonder, in the state he is in, could he possibly love?

He meant to ponder his question further, but just the he heard the screech of the brakes on Dean's Impala, signaling Sam had returned with the take-out food he had gone out to get earlier that evening. He heard Sam's footsteps soon after he heard the car door slam, and they soon got louder as Sam neared the door. Sam had to duck just to enter, not only due to the fact that it was an exceptionally small door, but because of his height that rivaled a Sasquatch. While entering he instinctively looked over his should before stepping completely inside even though he knew there was no one.

"'Got my pie?" Dean inquired as he jumped up, almost knocking over the chair he had been sitting in only moments before, excited at the prospect of pie.

"Nope, you get cake." Sam laughed as he stuck his hand in the bag he had been carrying and pulled out a small box and tossed it to Dean, who emitted a disgruntled groan as he caught the box. Sam never remembered his pie, at this point he probably does it on purpose just to annoy him.

They preceded to eat their two course meal that consisted of pepperoni pizza and cake. At least Sam and Dean ate, Castiel only at a few bites, the battle inside his head and the fact that pizza reminded him of her made food seem very unappetizing at the moment.

There were two things that Castiel did not understand that night- love is never a choice And the answer to his question is yes, he truly did love her, in fact, he still does.


End file.
